I Watched “The Mummy Returns” For The First Time And It Was A Ride

Everyone in this movie is…hot.

Here are all the thoughts I had while watching it…

1. We’re starting in Ancient Egypt again, okay. 

2. Oh the Scorpion King is in THIS? I knew there was a spin-off…okay yeah it makes sense that he’d be in a movie to then spin-off from. 

3. I was not expecting the pure joy of an appearance from The Rock here though. 

4. How was his army defeated? They were fighting so well. 

5. Or maybe just the Scorpion King was. 

6. “One by one, they slowly perished”. This is a dark opening. 

7. The Scorpion King looks really great, considering he is near death. 

8. I did not need to watch him eat a scorpion. 

9. Why would Anubis make this deal with the Scorpion King? What use is his soul to Anubis, when he already has a whole ass supernatural army at his disposal?  

10. Feel like the deal really backfired on old mate Scorpion King. 

11. We’re in the “present” now. 

12. Is that Rick in silhouette? I’d recognise that beautiful floppy hair anywhere. 


14. He is on the hunt for something in a tomb. Business as usual, then. 

15. Oh he has a small child. Not quite business as usual. 

16. Rachel Weisz is so beautiful oh my god. Her eyebrows are so much better here than they were in the first one.

17. Seriously what a fucking babe. 

18. Rick and Evie all domestic and flirty in a tomb, this is exactly what I came for. 

19. Opening up a tomb in the past has been such a smart move for them, I can see why they’re doing it again. 

20. Oh dear some bad guys are after them. 

21. I’m not sure how historically accurate Evie’s look is, but it’s really hot so who cares?

22. Ummmmmmmmm. Why are these ancient Egyptians alive in this tomb? 

23. Oh Evie is having a vision. 

24. “You know if you move that fast enough you can almost write your name.” I love Rick.

25. “No harm ever came from opening a chest.” EVIE DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM THE LAST MOVIE?!

26. Maybe read the warning on the cursed chest BEFORE opening it, hmmm???

27. So is the kid in this the comic replacement for Evie’s brother?

28. Is that…Anck-Su-Namun?!?

29. Okay so the baddies that were following the O’Connells are working for Anck-Su-Namun (?) and whoever this other guy is.  


31. Oh no they dug up Imhotep.


33. Why did Rick and Evie go all the way home to London if she was planning to search for the oasis straight away?

34. Ngl I just wanna watch them make out for two hours. 

35. Once again, Evie looks very hot.

36. Not them letting the kid handle the cursed box.

37. The child is putting on the Scorpion bracelet, cool cool cool.

38. The Bembridge Scholars have been begging Evie to work with them, love that for her.

39. Evie and Rick are having eye sex while their son is tripping through time and space downstairs. 

40. Of COURSE it’s the year of the scorpion. 

41. Oh yay Jonathan is here!

42. Oh dear, so are the baddies.


44. Rick can really handle his snakes. 

45. Okay Evie can really kick ass too… Was she always that good?

46. I guess not. Is she possessed or something? 

47. Nooo the baddies have Evie. 

48. Jonathan hiding in the bubble bath is kind of genius.

49. RIP their beautiful house.

50. The bad guy is a British Museum curator? Ahem. 

51. I love Dad Rick.

52. Every character in this is the embodiment of the “ah shit here we go again” meme.

53. Wait so the British Museum curator wants Imhotep to take out the Scorpion King in order to…rule the world? What exactly is he getting out of this?

54. Rick didn’t have that “sacred mark” in the first movie, did he?


56. Uh ohhhh Imhotep is alive.

57. “Alive”. 

58. It IS Anck-Su-Namun!!!

59. Reincarnated?!

60. …but in body only? I am so confused. How does she know everything if she isn’t actually Anck-Su-Namun? 

61. Lol @ the cricket trophy in the chest.

62. Rick jumping through the fire was…hot. 

63. “If there’s gonna be any hysterics they’ll come from me.” Jonathan is so relatable.

64. Rick and Evie shooting things together is…hot

65. Here come Imhotep’s soldiers.

66. Omg a double decker bus escape! FUN. 

67. Rip Rick’s beautiful car.

68. These undead soldiers are so gross.

69. That shot crossing the London Bridge reminds me of Spice World.

70. Oh my god Evie and Rick are so horny for each other.

71. Understandable.

72. Nothing like fighting undead creatures to keep the romance alive.

73. Oh no the bad guys got Alex while his parents were making out!


75. Anck-Su-Namun kissing Imhotep’s mummified face is a visual I want to forget very soon. 

76. “Lady, I don’t behave for my parents.” This kid is a brat. A cute one though. 

77. “You are your father’s son.” And his mother’s, thank you very much. 

78. “My dad is going to kick your ass.” And your mother!

79. Imhotep is just loving being shot. 

80. Didn’t really need to see this guy’s flesh being sucked off his bones. 

81. Another great outfit on Evie.

82. “I’m mourning for my ass.” I like this new pilot guy.

83. “You can shave my head, wax my legs, and use me for a surfboard.” Mood.

84. Oooh more medjai.

85. The amount this pilot is talking about not wanting to get shot means he’s definitely going to get shot. 

86. What a beautiful bird Horus is.

87. Lol Alex has weaponized “are we there yet”, as every child does.

88. Imhotep has finished absorbing all the flesh and is looking fresh.

89. Escaping through the toilet. This boy is smart.

90. Imhotep is like “yeah whatever he’s running away but look at the view!”

91. Wait so Evie is a reincarnation of the daughter of the pharaoh?!

92. This kind of makes some of the plot of the first movie make a lot less sense. Like…why would Imotep confuse her for Anck-Su-Namun if he also “knew” Evie’s ancestor?!

93. Alex is a sandcastle genius apparently.

94. Alex still reading his book while chained to a camel is very relatable to me, a massive book nerd whose form of rebellion was reading when I should have been doing other things. 

95. Imhotep is projecting his face into water instead of sand this time!

96. Whooooa they made it to the oasis.

97. NO! NOT HORUS!!!!!

98. The lush greenery provides a different setting to the first movie for the final showdown, which is nice.

99. Omg what are these very small undead demon mummies?!

100. Rick has got his son! YAY.

101. And they’ve been reunited with Evie and Jonathan! 

102. These little mummies are somehow cute, hilarious AND scary.




106. I mean I know it will be fine but I am so stressed.

107. They made it, phew.

108. “It’s not easy being a dad.” “But you do it real good.” Aww. 

109. WAIT Anck-Su-Namun stabbed Evie?!?!

110. Evie can’t be dead. I guess this is where the reincarnation stuff is going to come in handy somehow.

111. I know she’s going to be fine (RIGHT?!?!?!?) but I am still tearing up.

112. Oooh Imhotep has been stripped of his powers.

113. Curator guy has raised the Scorpion King, this is fine. 

114. Omg Alex is gonna try and raise Evie with the Book of the Dead. This will go well I’m sure.

115. I am going to vomit at the flesh being eaten (melted? Torn? REMOVED) off curator guy’s hand. 

116. I wonder what this kid is doing now. 

117. Just googled and apparently he’s in marketing.

118. Here comes the army of Anubis!

119. Gotta admire Jonathan for standing up to Anck-Su-Namun, who could very easily kill him.

120. Rick is maaaaad.

121. Hot Medjai Guy has summoned his own army! 

122. There is so much simultaneous action happening.

123. That shot of Hot Medjai Guy on his horse was…hot.

124. But where is the Scorpion King? There’s a severe lack of The Rock in this movie, on the whole.


126. Anck-Su-Namun you’ve got it coming now. 

127. HERE IS THE SCORPION KING!! And he’s….a terrible CGI half-scorpion thing? 

128. So there’s STILL a severe lack of The Rock in this movie. That’s barely even his face in that CGI.

129. RIP curator guy.

130. Feels like the medjai are prematurely celebrating defeating the army of Anubis. 

131. Looooool yep here come more. 


133. Oh no Imhotep has the spear.

134. Rick got it! Great reflexes.

135. I am very worried for Hot Medjai Guy.

136. Come on Rick kill the Scorpion King, save Hot Medjai Guy. 

137. GOT HIM.

138. Lol Imhotep that was such a delayed dramatic scream.

139. Ok yes NOW you can celebrate.

140. Anck-Su-Namun is not going to help Imhotep, what kind of eternal love is that?

141. Poor Imhotep. 

142. The CGI is SO BAD.

143. Lol bye Anck-Su-Namun. 

144. Love that Jonathan still got his treasure

145. “At last you didn’t get shot.” PLOT TWIST. 

146. That was SO FUN. This series is great. I have been told I shouldn’t watch the third movie…but I kind of want to anyway. 

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