The Miami Dolphins fired Brian Flores on Monday in a nonsensical move that thumbed its nose at the basic concept of trying to win NFL games with a successful head coach, and replaced it with … whatever they’re planning to replace it with.

In thinking about who the Dolphins should hire I was struck with inspiration like a bolt of lightning and now I’m obsessed with it. The Miami Dolphins should hire Nick Saban. I know it’s weird and outside-the-box, but I think it’s genius.

At this point there’s nothing left for Saban to achieve. The man is five years past the average age of retirement, he’s won seven college football national championships, and while he didn’t get No. 8 on Monday night, the landscape of college football is changing. At his age he doesn’t need all this. There’s no need to get back on the recruiting treadmill at a time he could be enjoying his golden years in the way I can imagine Saban enjoying his time off: Catching ocean fish and watching them squirm, only returning them to the ocean moments before their demise.

Yes, it’s time for Nick Saban to preserve his love of football and take part in the American institution of moving to South Florida when you hit 70.

Miami Dolphins vs Cleveland Browns - November 20, 2005

An artist rendering imagining what Nick Saban on the Dolphins sideline would look like.
Photo by Jamie Mullen/NFLPhotoLibrary

This isn’t about cramming an elderly square peg into a round hole either. The move makes some sense. Waiting for Saban in Miami is Tua Tagovailoa, which whom he had so much success. The top receiver is Jaylen Waddle, who helped bring Saban a natty in 2020. On defense there’s Raekwon Davis, another ex-Saban guy, waiting to anchor the defensive line with Nick back in charge.

There’s something intoxicating about putting Saban and Bill Belichick together in the AFC East again. Two ornery angry football dudes snarling at the youth of Sean McDermott and Robert Saleh in the division. Saban and Belichick would get to meet for drinks twice a year, where they’d discuss topics like Bear Bryant, the Nixon administration, and leisure suit fashion options for the modern septuagenarian.

NFL: JAN 01 Dolphins v Patriots

Can you imagine if this actually happened?

I’m not going to pretend to understand the rationale behind firing Brian Flores, but there has to be something big planned behind it. Saban can be that big thing. I know it would sting for Alabama to see Saban leave, but any breakup after a long relationship can be difficult. It’s time for Tuscaloosa to get out there, put its hair down a little, try dating some new people. See what really makes you happy. Find yourself a new man, and treat yourself to some excitement.

Miami is exciting enough. It has the clubs, the beaches, the illicit drugs, probably being brought in by bluetooth-controlled sea life, because if the cartels had submarines in the 80s they’re probably into some weird science now. South Beach doesn’t need more glitz and glamor. They need an angry old man in khakis who looks like he eats a pack of cigarettes for breakfast.

The Dolphins need Nick Saban.

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